Wednesday, October 24, 2007


Life is a dizzying roller-coaster ride and so is love. You will never get to stay at a certain point or experience as another thread rolls-in and takes you into another rolling spin. You’ll never have time to catch your breath or breathe at all.

Mine took me from joy, disappointment, fear, frustration, anger, defeat, hate, puzzlement, surprise, and again back. It ran the whole gamut of emotions of that proverbial emotional range or spectrum of love and life. ----- Do you wonder if there was a point where I wished to be and stay on forever? Or another on which I wished didn’t exist at all? Yes, to both questions.

When bad times roll I literally gnash my teeth in utter confusion, anger, resentment, frustration, and despair. Things just happen in a fast clip that I’d wish so hard for the world to stop turning and let me off. It was just too much for a frail solitary vulnerable figure, which was me, to catch.

Here’s a sample. Ever met the male version of ‘Delilah’? I did and I foolishly played the role of trusting ‘Samson’ to his devious portrayal of ‘Delilah’. He promised me the moon and the stars but I ended up colliding with an asteroid instead! Or -- maybe this. ‘Been through a crisis when someone dear is so ill and needs to be rushed to the hospital but nobody is there to help you at all? Who ever invented fair-weather relatives and friends huh?!! Or try this, know what it’s like to have somebody ‘steal’ your ideas, blatantly get the credit for it, and moved up the corporate ladder with nary a bit of shame in his evil soul? It sucks, doesn’t it? It sure does and you can only find it here in this seething vicious man-made corporate jungle.

So my mind was forming the idea that all these was all there is to life and love. It’s just one painful journey to another. Nothing more. But you know what, some unknown universal force seemed to mercifully slow down my world, calmed the treacherous waters of my pain, parted the dreary clouds of suffering and let the glorious sunshine through. How?

Know this feeling of ‘butterflies’ in your stomach when someone looks at you and there in his eyes you see yourself as the Queen of Roses – his? Remember how it feels to hold a new-born baby in your arms – yours? Felt deeply that gratitude and relief on finding one, a stranger to start with, but who turned-out to be your staunch friend in pain and sorrow? Are you familiar with the joy happiness and excitement welling-up inside you and rising to your throat almost choking you --- Because you just bagged a million-dollar deal for your boss and made them all deliriously ecstatic over it? All wonderful, isn’t it? In the midst of it all, you begin to think “Gosh, somebody up there must like me after all!” Then you cry wishing so hard that you could stay in this well of happiness forever and more.

But it isn’t like that at all. That’s what Mom would always tell me. “Ellen, you’ll get it all, not just one or two. Not simply happy, not always sad. You’ll have the full spectrum - the whole journey - the complete KALEIDOSCOPE of life….and love --- Maybe joyful and colorful in one, pain and sorrow in another. BUT EVERYTHING -- EVERY BIT THAT HAPPENS TO YOU, GOOD OR BAD -- COMES TO YOU WITH THE SOLE INTENTION OF MOLDING CREATING TRANSFORMING TURNING YOU INTO THE PERSON --- THAT VERY SPECIAL PERSON --- YOU WERE MEANT TO BE.”

Well, Mom, the work still goes on in me… continuingly. Not yet a finished product, so to speak. But I know that someday --- I will be! Thanks, Mom! Love you so! :-)

posted on Tuesday, November 14, 2006 10:51 AM

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