MY ALONE TIME

When I came across these lines in the book I was reading, I couldn’t restrain a chuckle much to the surprise of my companion sitting at the same table with me at the library. These lines indeed summed up in just a few words my thoughts these past few days. Solitude though, I must say, doesn’t necessarily mean loneliness. May Sarton says it better with this --- “Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.”

When I sit by myself, look out with unseeing eyes to the far distance before me or stay still and quiet…… momentarily the world seems clearer and easier to comprehend. Life becomes more defined. In the stillness of my own space and time, I get to deliberate on big questions or issues without the usual interruptions of a hassled day and prying eyes. Nor need I kowtow to other people’s opinions and perceptions which anyway don’t jive with my own. Lolz So in my tiny ‘world’ where I’m free to be me, free to pose more questions, pursue new ones, present some answers plausible or not I thrive……. Free to poke at questions, turn them around, study, test them, rethink them or rewrite. That is up to me lolz. It’s up to me to flush out its silliness or wisdom without having to listen to someone else’s influence or critique on the choices that I make. (That may come later lolz) So thus I need my solitude. I need to sweep away the cobwebs in my mind, clean-up house, and refresh myself in a solitary place of peace and calm. -- Away from the maddening crowd. I need my inner space to air my innermost thoughts, allow ideas to germinate, and fond dreams take shape. I need my ‘alone time’ and connect with my soul.

With the dozens of endless chores in the house, coupled with writing deadlines, friends eating up huge chunks of my time, motherly duties towards three daughter, trips to the bank and then again the market or grocery store, and other unpredictable household errands often mote and academic but still essential, I wail there’re not enough hours in a day for everything. lolz it leaves me frazzled and bedazzled and hassled. Yikes!! Therefore that special day I discovered ‘alone time’ and learned how to do it right….. I became so attached to it and so fiercely have defended it hence. Yes, can’t do without it. It’s my oasis – security blanket – stabilizer – rudder – and addiction rolled up into one. It’s heaven when I’m ‘there’. Funny thing is, I can be ‘there’ in the twinkling of an eye just like that. (Why I can do it over lunch in the company of friends without anyone knowing any better lolz!) Wherever I may be perhaps out on the street in heavy traffic or standing there waiting for my ride, or sitting in a bus or train, or strolling down the mall, or even with my buddies --- easily I can ‘switch channels’ from chaos to serenity without ever batting an eyelash (if given the right reason to do so lolz!). Oh don’t worry… I’m careful not to let it show lest watching eyes think me crazy. Lolz How? Takes practice. But at least one did notice (Sienna -observant gal!) telling me that I had on a mysterious grin on my face thus prompted her to remark ‘People beware! .....birth of an idea here!’ lolz! :-)

I know a friend who would “stay hours in her room with her solitude” so she says. Oh I do that too with time stretching long and wide when I’m into something which hugs my full attention and interest – like writing for instance. But it is just as satisfying having a short brief rendezvous of thoughtful focus even in the midst of human traffic and commotion. If you so choose to, you can! Put in desire, effort, discipline in equal measure and presto! You’re there.

I’ve got a ‘tool aid’ in my tote bag – yup, a small notebook and a pen. Everything that goes into my ‘alone time’ ends up written in the notebook. You see, I’ve often lost many good thoughts and ideas, words and phrases in the past and have regretted that I hadn’t devised a foolproof system then to record them. Now with my reliable ‘tool aid’ I have it all recorded down, stored and --- retrievable when the time is right for it. That’s one other reason why I love tote bags and not the small purses which some women prefer. It’s my total survival kit lolz! – meds, make-up, scarf, alcohol gel, hair brush, tissue, money, cards, id, a book or two, and last but not least my dependable ‘tool aid’. Ooops! am I heading in another direction?! tote bag, gee whiz Lolz! Well, honestly, guys....‘Alone time’ has never been as satisfying and fun as this for me! Hmmm... I think you know what I mean. :-)))

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."  ----Henry David Thoreau


posted on Thursday, August 17, 2006 2:55 PM